I’m so lonely during vacations. Teehee.

Since there really isn’t much to do, not much friends in the neighborhood (cuz I usually don’t go out and because most of my friends are from school), both my parents are with work or are together somewhere, my brothers are both little shits I’m pretty glad I don’t see everyday, I really don’t have anything fun to do. Unless you include eating and right now, I’d rather not, please (I barely got my weight down).

Probably the worst thing about vacations is that because I don’t have much of anything to do, I have a lot of time to just lounge around and think. It would be great if I could just sit down somewhere and NOT think, just be there and just sort of drift of, but that doesn’t really happen. I hate having a lot of time to think cuz I get to remember and think about things I’d rather not remember or think about. That’s why I love being drunk.

Someone told me I’m nostalgic, and I really am. I can’t even say I PROBABLY am cuz I know that I am. And not everything that comes from nostalgia is good. I can’t even think of anything good that comes with it. I remember my high school days (third year and fourth year only cuz they were the BEST!) and I start missing the good ol’ days, or the good ol’ friends. Not that they aren’t my friends anymore, but it’s just that I don’t get to see them everyday anymore.

The fact that I’m a homebody means I rarely go out of the house. There are even days that I don’t even step out of the house even for some sunlight. My dad even says that one day I might become allergic to sunlight. Not that it matters anyway. And not being out of the house means that I don’t know too many people my age in the neighborhood. Sometimes I even get scared that people in this neighborhood might forget I exist. I don’t even go out and attend mass in the local church on Sundays. Not that I enjoy going to masses anyway. Some people are hypocrites and I think I’ll just commit more sin when I go to mass. The girls in the neighborhood are usually flirting with the guys and some have even gotten pregnant. Not to be to judgmental, but the guys here aren’t exactly the guys I’d like to be involved with.

Times like these I get somewhat confused.

I’d like to say that I have a bold character, but truth be known I don’t. Not all the time anyway. When in the presence of some people, I’m rather reserved. I don’t know, maybe there’s a part of me that feels something about the people around me.

Sometimes I don’t speak and I feel really shy, but then there are days when I’m so outspoken and rather daring. There are days when I feel shy but I pretend to be bold. I don’t know anymore.

Do you see why I hate vacations?

I have a lot of time to think of my life and how it turned out and how I want it to turn out. It would be great if I actually had the money to make it the way I want it, but I’m rather middle class.

I really don’t think that money is most important in my life, but when you don’t have plans of settling down, what else can you have?

When I think of how I want my life to end up, I just want some things here and there and then I wanna die. I want to have a job, then I want my own business, then I want my dad’s and my mom’s dreams to come true, I want my brothers to finish their schooling, I wanna help a few charities, I wanna help a lot of people, then I wanna die. I don’t even want kids of my own. I mean, I probably won’t mind boyfriends here and there and a few trips around the world, but I don’t want marriage or any permanent relationship like that. It scares me to no end just thinking about it. And right now, because my feelings for someone have gradually faded away, I think I’ll die a spinster. A rather rich spinster.

Speaking of faded feelings, I didn’t even think the day would come. I always thought that there would always be somebody in my heart. I mean, all those fairy tales and happy ending chick flicks made the concept of love look so wonderful. I never thought the day would come that there would be nobody in my heart.

Andrew says it’s not true. And maybe it really isn’t. I’m just saying what’s on my mind at the moment. He thinks I’m still in love with the guy and that I’m just pretending or shrouding my feelings somewhere. Maybe I am, but it feels so much better this way. I’ll admit that I get the occasional pangs when I see him, especially when I see him with her, but I don’t get so worked up about it anymore. Sometimes, they even seem to be just another couple in my sight. And their names are just another set of names in my vocabulary. Maybe one day, my feelings will let loose and I’ll say that Andrew is right, but right now, my senses say that he’s wrong.

It’s like I got tired of loving. Do you know how it feels to love and not be loved back several times? It’s so frustrating and exhausting at the same time. And yet now, right now, now that I don’t feel much love for anyone at all, it’s still frustrating. Especially when you’re listening to love songs by secondhand serenade. Love songs have that magic you know. More than any chick flicks, I cherish love songs. Although not just any kind of love songs. I especially love songs by secondhand serenade, and a few random love songs that most people don’t know, like Listen to your heart (Roxette). Okay now I think I’m boring you. Not that I think many people read these stuff.

If only life ended the way most fairy tales did….

Then again most fairy tales have their damsels in distress and I don’t think I’m damsel-in-distress material.

I may be more of a witch material.

Maybe that would make a pretty good story one day. Instead of the prince up to rescue the princess, it’s the witch he’ll have fall in love with him and they’ll live happily, through trials of every day and ever after.

Vacation sucks.